[indistinct chatter]
[western music playing]
[inaudible]
[audience cheering and whistling]
[cheering continues]
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much, New York. Holy shit.
This is Madison Square Garden. Oh, my God.
Bring the house lights up for a second.
Let's just see everybody here a second. Bring the house lights up.
[applause]
Thank you. Thank you so much to all 12,000 of you
predominantly white people that showed up tonight. I really--
No, there's minorities in the mix. I'm just kidding. Yeah.
[cheering]
Uh, I'm a...
I'm a minority, and I am...
Yeah, I am the first generation in my family that was born in America.
Anybody else first-generation people? Yeah? Clap, yeah?
- [scattered clapping] - Yeah!
Pretty amazing thing our parents did, right?
They came to this country.
They maybe didn't know anyone,
maybe didn't even speak the language, and they figured it out.
Very brave, courageous thing.
And I feel like we never sit down and thank them for it.
And we should, 'cause that's such an amazing thing, you know,
for someone in your family to at some point,
to just be like,
"You know what? Fuck China! Let's get out of here. Let's go.
Let's get out of here. I'm tired of living in this village. Let's go. Let's go.
Let's move to America. I've seen photos online, it looks dope.
Let's go. Let's go."
'Cause you know they had friends that were dicks
that were like, "What? You can't move to America.
You don't know anyone there. You don't speak the language.
What are you gonna do for work?"
"I don't know, man. We'll figure it out.
Worst-case scenario, we'll cook food and we'll sell it to white people, okay?"
"You got a Master's degree in Chemistry. You don't know how to cook."
"They don't know what Chinese food tastes like!
I'll just put some chicken in a box with some orange sauce
and I'll serve it to 'em."
"Ooh! What are you gonna call that dish? Orange chicken?"
"Yeah! Maybe I will call it orange chicken!
Maybe I'll call it Number 36. We'll see!"
Pretty amazing, though, right?
Like, all those stories, they're amazing to me.
Amazing stories. I hear immigrants say stories like,
"Oh, I came to Brooklyn with $20 in my pocket."
That's incredible.
Is our generation that amazing? I don't think we are.
I don't think we're as amazing as our parents are.
I don't think we can pull that kind of shit off.
Like, could you imagine if you sent me to Brooklyn with $20 in my pocket?
I'd get there the first day and be like, "Oh, man, I'm out of money!
I just bought too much fresh pressed juice!
[sighs] Guess I gotta move back."
[in nasal voice] "Hey, Dad. Yeah, I'm coming back to India, huh.
Things didn't work out here.
Uh, I made a bad investment in juice."
My parents told me a little bit about their struggles.
They moved to South Carolina.
- [audience whooping] - That's where they chose-- Yeah!
'Cause they were trying to find a place that combined racism...
and horrible public schools...
and they're like, "Ooh, South Carolina!
You're right in the middle of this very unnecessary Venn diagram.
Let's do this!"
And, you know, they told me a little bit about it.
And, you know, my mom told me
her first day in America was the scariest day of her life.
And I was like, "Wow, why do you say that?"
She's like, "Well, I got here. I didn't know anyone.
I was so far away from my friends and family.
Uh, I barely even knew your father."
They had an arranged marriage
and she'd known him for, like, a week at that point.
This is serious.
And she said she got here and she's in this small apartment,
it's empty and she didn't know what to do,
and she felt so scared.
I was like, "What did you do that first day?"
She's like, "I didn't know what to do.
I was all alone. Your dad was at work the whole day.
And I just sat on the couch and I cried."
I was like, "Oh, that's so sad. How did you get through that?"
And she's like, "It was just one of those moments
where I just knew I had to be brave and figure it out.
You ever had moments like that, Aziz, where you were so scared,
but you knew you had to be brave and figure it out?"
And I was like...
"No!
My life is super easy 'cause you did all the struggling.
So, my shit's really easy."
I'm not gonna have any struggles to tell my kids about.
What's my story gonna be like?
"Oh, son, once, when I was flying from New York to LA...
[sniffles] my iPad died."
[chuckles]
My kid will be like, "Fuck you, Dad. We're teleporting to Mars!"
[imitates teleporting]
My dad told me a little bit about his struggles.
My dad's a doctor.
And he said when he first got here, it was very hard
'cause the head of the hospital was very racist
and would never send him patients.
He'd always send patients to another doctor
that lived three hours away.
And I was like, "Oh, that stinks. How did you figure that out?"
And he said, "Well, what eventually happened was
the head of the hospital got very sick and he had a stomach problem."
My dad is a stomach doctor.
And so he called for my dad. He's like, "Oh, send that Indian guy in.
I don't want to go to the guy three hours away."
And my mom was like, "You shouldn't go.
That guy's racist, he never sends you patients.
Why should you go?"
My dad was like, "No, I'm gonna go,
'cause I think we need to be the bigger people here."
So my dad goes and he starts treating the guy.
And then my dad poisons him and kills him.
And then my dad became the head of the hospital.
And that's what you gotta do when you're an immigrant!
Handle your shit!
Kill some racist motherfuckers if you need to!
How many of you guys-- Clap if you don't eat meat.
Anyone here not eat meat? Clap if you don't eat meat.
- [scattered clapping] - Okay.
Now, clap if you don't eat meat 'cause, um, you saw a documentary
or you read a book that freaked you out about the meat industry.
Clap if that's the situation.
A few people.
Now, clap if you've just seen that stuff in general.
Like, video of a factory farm or read something that, like,
freaked you out about the food industry.
Clap if you've seen that stuff, yeah?
That's a lot of people.
Now, clap if you saw that stuff
and you're like, "Oh, my God, that's disgusting.
It's cruel, it's inhumane.
The government definitely needs to properly regulate the meat industry.
There's no excuse for this.
The government definitely needs to properly regulate the meat industry.
But, in the meantime...
[groans] I kinda still gotta eat meat
'cause I don't want to feel weird and hungry all the time."
- [audience cheering] - [grunts]
Isn't that so frustrating?
'Cause no one wants to support that stuff. But you know what the problem is?
[clicks tongue] Salads need to step their game up, okay?
Like, salads aren't bringing it hard enough.
Vegetables aren't bringing it hard enough.
If food is a basketball game, meat is killing it.
Meat is just like, "Ribs! [imitates exploding]
Fried chicken!
Steak!"
Meanwhile, vegetables are like,
[in nasal voice] "Uh, does anyone want any cauliflower?
What about some snow peas?
Does anyone like Brussels sprouts?"
"Yeah, I'll take those Brussels sprouts and I'll wrap 'em in some bacon!"
That's how powerful meat is, right?
You go into a kitchen, you smell bacon and go,
[gasps] "Are you cooking bacon right now? Is that bacon you're making right--
Is there any way you have a second piece of bacon
that I could eat as well? Is there any..."
No one's ever walked into a kitchen like,
[gasps] "Are you steaming carrots right now?
Are you steaming carrots?
I can smell the steam from the other room.
Is that some broccoli and cauliflower? Are you making a medley right now?
Are you making a motherfucking steamed vegetable medley right now?
Oh, don't tell me that's brown rice in that bowl!
Don't tell me that's brown rice!
You better fix me a plate now!"
Even if you don't eat meat, even if you're just eating vegetables,
do you know everything that goes into the vegetables?
There's all this messed-up stuff with vegetables, too,
like child labor and all these issues.
Like, how come every vegetable's always in season, right?
Every vegetable's always in season, right?
You never go to the grocery store and they're like,
"We don't have asparagus at the moment. They're just not growing."
No, no, no. They have everything all the time.
'Cause if it's not growing here, they just go to South America,
and there's some guy with a sword going up to little kids like,
"Dígame, dígame! Pick the asparagus! Pick it! Pick it! Pick it!
People in America need to eat it
and see if it really makes their pee smell weird!"
Just never google how anything you consume is created.
Just never google it, 'cause it's always gonna bum you out.
I used to buy this orange juice called Simply OJ,
'cause I'm dumb and I see words like "simple" and "natural,"
and I'm like, "Mmm, okay, well, clearly,
there must be a grandma squeezing oranges into a bucket,
and, you know, then she pours that in a little bottle."
No, no, no, no, no.
That's what was happening for, like, three months,
and then Coca-Cola bought the company.
They slit the grandma's throat...
and now a bunch of little Asian kids just jizz into a banana peel,
and that's Simply OJ.
Something like that. I can't...
quite remember the specifics, but...
something like that.
Everything, man! Eggs! You know how they make eggs?
This is how they make eggs, okay?
They genetically engineer two different types of chicken.
One type of chicken is called the layer chick.
Just lays eggs, right?
And they have another type of chick called a broiler chick.
This is the chicken they, like, pump up with a bunch of hormones
so it has, like, huge breasts and legs, and that's the one they use for the meat.
And I'm reading this, I'm like, "Well, what happens to the male layer chicks?"
They serve no purpose, right?
They can't lay eggs.
They can't be used for meat. What happens?
They just get murdered! In insane ways.
Like, they'll take all the male layer chicks
and they'll throw 'em into a big chicken woodchipper.
Um, another thing they'll do is they'll put 'em in a big plastic vat
and just put a lid on it and suffocate 'em to death.
And, yeah, it's a bummer. Like, none of us is into that.
Like, we'd all check "No" on that box.
But the problem is,
this kind of information, this kind of footage,
it just hasn't been seen in the right context
to elicit the kind of mass outrage
that would actually result in some changes, you know.
Right now, it's in these obscure documentaries or books or whatever.
But what if it was in a different context?
Like, what if there was a CNN camera crew that did a raid at rapper Ja Rule's house?
And they saw he had a big plastic vat
where he was just suffocating chickens to death.
We'd all be like, "Ja, you monster! What are you doing?"
And he'd be like, "I'm sorry, I just wanted some eggs!
I had to make ethical compromises in order to achieve economies of scale!
♪ It's murda!" ♪
I'll admit, when I first wrote that joke,
I was like, "But will people remember Ja Rule?"
- [audience laughing] - Pfft!
Oh, how foolish I was!
If you're not familiar with Ja, um...
he had a strange string of hits a few years ago, where...
every song followed this very strange formula
where they'd have a woman with a very beautiful voice,
like Jennifer Lopez or Ashanti,
and they would sing the hook.
And then Ja would come in and sound like
someone that was getting stabbed in the stomach through their ulcer.
Like, every single song was just like,
[melodically] ♪ R-U-L-E ♪
[hoarsely] ♪ What's my motherfucking name? ♪
[melodically] ♪ R-U-L-E ♪
[hoarsely] ♪ And what am I doing here? ♪
I feel like I gotta do that whole bit on a talk show or something.
'Cause whenever you do a bit like that on a talk show,
the person always gets in touch with you.
So I feel like I have to do it,
just so I can get that amazing phone call one day, where it's just like, "Aziz?"
- "Yeah. Who is this?" - "Ja Rule, baby!
Saw the way you integrated me
into that bit about factory farming in the egg industry!
I never knew that shit! I'm never eatin' meat again!
You know where I can get some more literature on this subject?
Maybe a pamphlet on how to adjust to a vegan or vegetarian lifestyle?
♪ Put it on me!" ♪
Soon, Ja starts getting really passionate about the cause.
He starts filming his own PSAs.
"Every day,
millions of chickens are living in tiny cages
the size of a piece of paper.
They're shittin' all over each other in these disease-ridden factory farms.
This is the meat we're puttin' in our mouths!
This is the meat we're puttin' in our children's mouths!
If you think the government should probably regulate the meat industry,
♪ Holla, holla!" ♪
Guys, if only you knew how long it's taken me
to find the perfect stand-up bit to showcase
my frustrations with the meat industry...
and my flawless Ja Rule impersonation...
then you'd know my struggle.
[audience cheering]
You know what I've realized recently?
Creepy dudes are everywhere...
and they're so much more prevalent than I ever realized.
And it really sucks, 'cause women have to worry about creepy dudes all the time.
And it's very unfair because men never worry about creepy women.
Like, men never are concerned about creepy women.
That's not a thing.
There's never been two dudes,
walking alone, late night in a park, like...
- "Hey, man, I think we should speed up." - "Why, what's going on?"
"I'm pretty sure that woman behind the tree is masturbating to us!"
"Oh, God! Oh, God! Should we get a cab? Should we just keep running? Ahh!"
No two dudes have ever faced that dilemma.
There's never been a dude who's told a story like this,
"Yeah, so I'm at the club, like, minding my own business, right?
And then this creepy woman comes up to me. She's like,
'Hey, can I buy you a drink?' I'm like, 'No, I'm fine.'
'Let me buy you a drink.' 'No, I'm fine.'
She's like, 'Let me buy you a drink!'
I'm like, 'Okay, okay, okay.'
And so, you know, she buys me a drink
and I take a sip to be polite, and then she's just like...
'Mmm...
that's a nice set of balls you got down there.
What do you think about me sucking on one of those bad boys later?'
And I was like, 'Uh, that's quite all right.'
And she's like, 'Oh, but you'll drink the drink, though!
You'll drink the drink, though!
To be clear, I can't suck the balls, but you'll drink the drink, though!
You'll drink the drink, though!
You're twisted!
Ladies, let's get out of this club! Dudes here are busted!'"
No dude has that story.
No dude's ever barged up into his friend's apartment in a panic, like,
"Oh, my God! Dude, I'm so sorry! I didn't know where else to go!
This is so crazy! Oh, my God!
I'm so freaked out right now! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I was walking down Third Avenue,
and this woman just whipped her pussy out at me.
And she just started chasing me like, 'Ahh! Do you wanna touch it?'"
No guy here has any story like that.
Every woman in here has at least three stories like that.
- I promise you, they do. - [audience cheering]
Creepy dudes are everywhere, man.
They're on the Internet. Oh, they love the Internet so much!
Such a great showcase for them.
It's really startling if you look at the difference
between the way men are treated on the Internet
and women are treated on the Internet.
You know, me as a guy, let's say I tweet something like,
"Hey, guys, I'm doing a show in Phoenix. Get tickets!"
I might get a mean tweet, where some guy's like,
"Oh, yeah? I'm never coming to Phoenix, 'cause you suck!
Yeah, I got him. I did it, yeah!"
If a woman tweets that, though, her mean tweet will be different.
Like, if a woman tweets,
"Hey, I'm doing a show in Phoenix. Get tickets!"
Her mean tweet will be like, "Oh, yeah? Instead of going to Phoenix,
why don't you come to Buffalo and suck my dick?
Yeah! I got her! I did it, yeah!
Let's go watch Transformers again! Pshh!"
No women are harassing me like that. Women just don't harass dudes in that way.
I never get tweets like that. No women are ever writing me stuff like,
"Oh, hey, Aziz, I bet you give good head!
Yeah! Suck my pussy, Aziz! Suck my pussy, Aziz!"
No women are out there writing me like,
"Oh, hey, Aziz, I wanna take your head
and squeeze it in between my titties till your beard pops off. Yeah!"
No women are saying that.
No women are out there like, "Oh, Aziz, you're putting out a new stand-up special?
Why don't you put your fingers in my pussy instead?
[chanting] Finger me, Aziz! Finger me, Aziz!
Let's go watch Dirty Dancing on Blu-ray!"
Pshh!
No women are saying that 'cause,
in general, women don't do dumb shit like that.
That's not a thing they do, really.
Men do this shit all the time, and it's so dumb.
I did a show with a female comedian once.
She got on stage and the first thing that happened
is some idiot in the front just yells, "Take it off!"
If you're a dude, never yell, "Take it off."
Unless a woman has placed a tarantula or a scorpion on one of your shoulders,
there's no reason for you to yell, "Take it off!"
I've seen dudes yell "Take it off" in a strip club!
[grunts] She has a routine planned.
She's trying to tease you, you dumb motherfucker!
What would you rather her do?
Just, like, walk out there completely naked?
[audience laughing]
Another thing...
Another thing creepy dudes do...
they'll just follow women.
You know what I'm talking about?
Like, they'll just see a woman and be like, "Okay!"
And just follow 'em around for, like, a really long time.
Terrifying.
Raise your hand if you're a woman
and you've ever been followed around by a creepy dude.
Raise your hand high! Raise it really fucking high!
Everyone just look around and see how many hands are raised right now.
Yeah, that's way too many people. That should not be happening.
One woman told me she eventually got rid of the guy
by walking into a pet store where you needed to get buzzed in.
I'm not sure why this pet store had such intense security...
but, um...
she said, she went in there and said,
"Hey, there's a creepy guy following me. Don't buzz him in."
They're like, "Okay."
And she said she just waited there until he left.
And I was like, "Wow, how long did you have to wait?"
And she was like, "Mmm, 45 minutes."
Forty-five minutes of her day gone 'cause this creep decided to follow her.
God! But I get it, man, you gotta be safe.
These guys are crazy. You never know,
they may follow you to your home or your apartment where you live.
And if you're a creepy dude doing that, what's your dream scenario at that point?
Like, what's your best-case situation?
Like, what do you think's really gonna happen?
Like, the woman's just gonna get to her door
and just turn around, just like, "So...
are you just gonna stand there...
or are you gonna come up and fuck me?"
That's never happening.
That's never happening!
There's a greater chance of a tornado
grabbing a woman and blowing her into your penis
than there is of you somehow seducing a woman that way, you fucking creeps.
What can you do for real, though, man? [sighs]
One woman told me a story that was kind of cool.
She said, one time, she had a creepy guy following her
and, uh, she saw another dude that she thought was like a good dude,
and said, "Hey, can you pretend to be my boyfriend?
I think there's, like, a creepy guy following me.
Can you pretend to be my boyfriend?" And the guy did it.
And it helped her out and the creepy guy went away.
I was like, "Oh, man, that's really cool," right?
She had faith that this other guy would be a decent human being.
And he was, and he rose to the challenge and it helped her out, you know?
I would do that. If any woman in here was like,
"Hey, Aziz, could you pretend to be my boyfriend?"
I would do that shit, I would get into it.
I'd be like, "I got this! What's the situation?"
"There's a creepy guy following me."
- "Where is he?" - "He's right behind us."
"Oh, fuck! He's really creepy.
He's rather large as well.
Are you sure we shouldn't be seeing other people?
Just kidding, I got this."
"What are you gonna do, Aziz?"
"Oh, I'm gonna beat the shit out of this guy!"
- "Really?" - "Yeah.
But first, I need to run a quick errand."
- "What is it?" - "I gotta buy a dog.
Let's go in this pet store and wait about 45 minutes."
Clap if you're in a relationship right now. Relationship folks.
[clapping]
You know what I love about relationship people?
I love how they tell the story of how they met their person.
You know what I'm talking about?
It's a very specific type of storytelling where it's like, "Oh...
[scatting]
...and we've been together ever since."
That's like a fun way to tell a story, right?
But I don't think it's fair
that frustrated single people can't share their stories in the same manner, right?
Like, those are more relatable stories.
Like, I would love to hear a woman tell a story like this,
"So, Rachel's like, 'Come get a drink. Come get a drink. Come get a drink.'
I'm like, 'No, I'm not coming out tonight.'
She's like, 'You never come out.
How are you gonna meet someone if you never come out?'
So, I'm like, 'Fine!'
So, we go to the bar and there's this really cute guy.
He's sitting by himself and he's drinking a whiskey.
And Rachel's like, 'Go talk to him. Go talk to him.'
I'm like, 'No, I'm not saying anything.'
And she's like, 'You go talk to him or I'm gonna talk to him for you.'
So, I'm like, 'Fine.' So, I walk over...
and I go, 'Hey, are you waiting on someone?'
And he goes, 'Yeah, I'm waiting on my girlfriend.'
So, I sat back down...
and I haven't seen him ever since!"
That's a story we can all relate to, right?
Or what about a story like this,
"So Bryan's like, 'Come on, man. Let's go to one more bar.
Let's go to one more spot.' I'm like,
'I'm pretty beat. I think I'm just gonna call it.
It's like 3:45 in the morning. I'm gonna go home.'
He's like, 'No, no, no, no. This is a late night spot.
There's always girls there.
You never know, you never know, you never know.'
So, I'm like, 'Fuck it.'
So, we head to the bar and, uh, it was closed.
Guess it was a slow night, so, uh, that was that."
Or what about a story like this?
"So, me and her, we've always been really close,
but, you know, nothing's ever happened,
never hooked up or anything, just been friends.
And we're out this one night,
she's just broken up with her boyfriend and we're having a couple of drinks,
and it starts getting a little flirty.
Then it starts getting a little touchy-feely.
Next thing you know, we're back at my place and we're having sex.
And this is, like, amazing sex. It's been, like, pent-up for years.
And it's one of those things that just felt right, you know?
And at one point, she just looks me right in the eyes and she just says,
'I don't think we should do this!'
So... [clicks tongue]
I pulled my penis out... [grunts]
we went to sleep,
and it's been an awkward situation for...
[clicks tongue] it'll be a year in August."
Those are the stories we can relate to.
[chuckles]
Being in a relationship, it's tough. It's a lot of work.
But I think being single is even harder, especially right now.
Very odd, frustrating time to be a single person.
And I like the idea of being single in theory.
But what does that mean?
You meet a bunch of different people,
you get to know 'em, you find someone you really connect with,
hmm, maybe pursue something more serious.
That sounds good, I would sign up for that.
But that's not what being single is anymore, right?
This is what being single is now,
"Hey, it was great meeting you. We should get together sometime."
"Yeah, that'd be great. Be in touch."
- "All right. Bye." - "Cool."
"Hey, what's up? You wanna grab some drinks tonight?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm with some friends in this neighborhood."
"Oh, cool. We'll be down there soon."
- "Can't wait to see you. Cool." - "All right. Bye."
"Hey, what's up? We're almost there."
"Shit, we just left."
Why? Why'd you just leave?
Isn't that a rude, shitty thing to do?
You invited me somewhere and then you left before I got there.
"Maybe we'll meet up tomorrow."
"Tomorrow is perfect. Text you later and make a plan."
- "All right. Bye." - "Cool."
"Hey, what's up? Should we grab those drinks tonight?"
"Oh, drank way too much last night. Gonna stay in today."
That's not what was discussed yesterday!
Would you like a transcript of our conversation?
You may scroll up on your phone.
"Maybe we can meet up on Thursday."
"Thursday's perfect. Text you later and make a plan."
- "All right. Bye." - "Cool."
"Hey, what's up? It's Thursday. Should we get together tonight?"
And that's what being single is now.
[audience clapping]
All that garbage.
That's what it is a lot of times.
It's pretty much like you're a secretary for this really shoddy organization...
trying to schedule the dumbest shit with the flakiest people.
And I've realized this flakiness,
it doesn't even have to do with dating or anything.
It's actually a symptom of a bigger problem we all have.
You know, we're all part of the rudest, flakiest group of people ever.
Like, if you're alive right now and you have a phone,
you're a rude, shitty person. You just are.
Like, has anyone here tried to make plans with anyone in the past couple of years?
Has anyone tried to make plans with anyone?
It's the most frustrating experience.
'Cause what happens anytime you ask someone to do something nowadays?
It's like, "Hey, you wanna do this fun thing?"
"Maybe. Maybe, I could try. We could see about...
maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe."
No one wants to commit to shit.
'Cause they're terrified that something better is gonna come along.
It is so rude. Why do we do this?
I think it's 'cause we're also part of the least lonely generation,
the least isolated generation, you know?
It used to be a big deal when you finally got to see your friends in person, right?
Nowadays, it's not as much,
'cause you're always connected with your friends, you're always--
Wherever you are, work, school, whatever,
you're always texting, e-mailing, joking around.
So, when you see them in person, it's not as big a deal as it used to be.
You know, now it's like, "Oh, man, it's so good to see you.
I just went on this crazy vacation!"
"I know, I saw all the pictures. Leave me alone."
It used to not be like that.
It used to be a big deal when you saw your friends, right?
Think about what you'd be doing, like, 40 years ago, you know.
Think about what that would be like.
What you'd be doing, like, on a Thursday night.
You know, you're just sitting in your house, by yourself...
you're in a wooden chair...
eating a can of beans.
You have nothing.
You're not connected to anyone. No entertainment.
"Oh, uh, maybe I'll listen to some music."
All right, just the music you own,
or you can sit around and hope a song you like comes on the radio,
and then grab a cassette and run over like a little bitch.
[exaggerated shouting]
"Oh, I missed the beginning!"
Maybe you'll stay in and watch a movie.
All right, what's it gonna be?
Home Alone, Jurassic Park or Mrs. Doubtfire?
That's all you have. You have nothing!
And then, in the corner of the room,
you have your one outlet to the outside world, right?
Your landline.
And if you were lucky, at some point it would ring and you'd be like,
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Hello!
Who is this?
Phil, thank you so much for calling.
What would you like to do? [clicks tongue]
That sounds great! I'll see you there at 8:00."
And you would be there at 8:00.
And Phil would be there at 8:00.
And if Phil wasn't there by 8:15,
you'd be like, "Oh, my God! Phil is dead.
Phil has died! [sobbing]
We were supposed to see Police Academy and now he's dead!"
'Cause that was the only polite way to cancel on people back in the day.
You had to die.
Now what do your shitty friends do?
They'll call you like an hour before.
"Hey, you know, I'm feeling kind of tired.
So, I think I'm just gonna stay in tonight."
"Oh, you're tired?
What, were you doing a bunch of manual labor?
Were you, uh, building a habitat for humanity? Or..."
[clicks tongue] "No, I just did one of those online surveys
that tells you what character you are from a particular TV show.
And I've done, like, seven of them, so I'm feeling kind of tired.
And, you know, I'm just so tired, I don't feel like driving and everything."
Hold up! You're too tired to drive?
The car moves. You don't do shit, you just sit there.
How is this a valid excuse?
Did you recently purchase a Flintstones -type vehicle
where you need to run along?
I don't believe you did.
So now, when you make plans,
you got to remember how flaky everyone is, right?
You got to factor that in.
You got to change your approach.
You know, you look at my phone on a Sunday,
when I'm trying to find someone to get brunch with,
I look like a psychopath. It's just like,
"Hey, you wanna get brunch? Hey, you wanna get--
Hey, you wanna-- Hey, you wanna-- Hey, you wanna-- Hey, you wanna--"
And it's this weird list of my best friend
to the shittiest person I'd eat pancakes with.
But I get it.
I get it, man. I understand why we're like this.
We all have the same nightmare. You know the nightmare.
The nightmare is you do commit to doing the thing with Phil, right?
And you get there, like, "This is fun, Phil. I'm glad I came.
We're getting to catch up and stuff. It's good." [chuckles]
Then you get that phone call.
"Dude, where are you? Biggie and Tupac faked their deaths.
They're doing a show right now. I have an extra ticket. Where are you?"
[panting]
"I'm upstate picking apples with Phil!"
We all have that nightmare,
and I do think there's a new thing, where we always want the best, you know?
Whatever we're doing, we wanna do the best, funnest thing.
Whatever we're buying, we want the best.
We have all these options,
and we have all this information at our fingertips to research it.
And we always want the best. Why not have the best?
And a lot of times it's very useful, right?
I made some more educated decisions in my life.
But, at a certain point, doesn't that stuff become debilitating?
Like, now it's gotten to the point
where before I make any choice or decision in my life,
I have to google something to make sure I'm not fucking it up.
You know what I mean?
Like, the other day, I had to get a toothbrush.
Before I left my house, without even thinking about it, I googled,
"Best toothbrush."
That's right, I'm about to get the best toothbrush.
Why? Why do I need the best toothbrush?
Every other toothbrush I bought on a hunch has been fine.
Like, what is the big fear now?
Have you ever run into someone with no teeth,
and be like, "What happened?"
"Bought the wrong toothbrush. Should've done more research!"
And when you take these kind of mentalities
and you throw 'em in the dating world, things get crazy, man.
Things get really weird, you know.
You people that are married, been in long relationships,
you have no idea what it's like out there right now.
Everything has changed.
Take your most basic problem as a single person.
What is it? You like someone, they don't like you back.
Or the reverse, someone likes you, you don't like them back.
Okay, at one point in time, that used to be kind of a weird thing.
It was awkward, it was a conversation,
it was something you had to deal with, right?
Now, what do people do?
Someone likes you, you don't like 'em back?
Just pretend to be busy forever.
That's what people do now. They pretend to be busy forever,
and then they conduct this strange psychological experiment,
where it's like, "Mmm, how much hope does this person have?
How many times do I need to pretend to be busy before they realize
this many scheduling conflicts is statistically impossible...
and something else is going on?"
Now, look, I don't think it's coming from a bad place.
I think you're trying not to hurt someone's feelings, right?
What are your other options?
Um, you could say nothing and give people silence.
Or you could just be honest with them. Those are your big three options, right?
Clap if what you do is pretend to be busy. Clap if that's your move.
Okay.
I'd say that's my move as well, okay.
Clap if what you do is, you say nothing. You give people silence.
Okay, and finally, clap if you're just honest with people.
Okay, now let's say the situation is reversed
and someone else is dealing with you.
How do you prefer they handle the situation?
Clap if you prefer that they pretend to be busy.
[very light clapping]
[audience laughing]
All right.
Clap if you prefer that they say nothing, that they give you silence.
[audience clapping]
Why the fuck would you prefer that?
This is a hypothetical thing.
That's your preference? You're into confusion?
Sorry, this isn't a good way to do polls.
I shouldn't shit on people after certain responses.
I apologize.
[chuckles]
And finally, clap if you prefer that they're just honest with you.
[audience cheering]
I'd say I'm in that camp as well.
Well, well, well, I think our findings are pretty clear, right?
We're all really shitty people.
Whenever we're dealing with others,
we're like, "I'm gonna pretend to be busy. I don't wanna say anything."
When other people are dealing with us, we're like,
"Why must we all play these games?
Can't we all just be honest with one another?"
And the other thing is, we all say we prefer honesty, myself included,
but can we really handle honesty, you know?
I talked to a woman once, she's like, "Oh, I'm just honest with people.
I don't mess around. I'm just honest with people."
I was like, "Really? All right.
I'm a guy, I ask you out for dinner,
you don't wanna go, what would you say?"
She said, "I would say, 'I'm not interested in getting dinner with you.'"
And on one hand, that's really nice, right?
There's no games there, you know exactly where you stand,
you're not wasting your time.
On the other hand, though,
could you imagine actually receiving a text like that?
"Hey, you wanna get dinner sometime?"
"I'm not interested in getting dinner with you."
God damn! What are you, a demon?
That's the meanest, coldest shit anyone's ever said to me, okay?
I'm a person. I have feelings, okay?
I'm just a fellow human being
that wanted to break bread with you and get to know you a little better.
Is that such a horrifying situation?
I was basically like, "Hey, you want some free food?"
You're like, "Not if your presence is involved.
You got a gift certificate? I'll go with my friend."
I don't know what the best way to deal with it is, man.
I do think it's tough.
I do think silence might be the worst, though.
Silence to me seems like the rudest, most cowardly way to handle a situation.
And it's also the one that hurts the other person the most, right?
We've all been on the other end of that. That's the worst, man.
The worst is when you meet someone you're really into
and you feel that connection. You know what I'm talking about?
When you meet that person... [gasps] "Oh, my God. We both felt that.
No games this time, deep connection.
No games, deep connection.
No games...
deep connection."
You send the first text, you're all confidence.
"Forget about it, it's done.
Wrap it up, put it in a bag, write my name on it...
'cause it's done."
Twenty minutes later, no response.
"Okay, well, I'm sure she's just busy with a couple of things,
and any minute now..."
Three hours later, "Fuck!
I put too many exclamation points in my text!
What was I thinking?
I should have said 'Hey' with two 'Y's,' not three 'Y's.'
I'm so stupid!"
Three hours earlier.
You're looking up vacation packages on Orbitz,
you're planning birthdays, holidays, a whole life together.
And now it's all gone away, and you have no idea why.
And this is when people start going crazy.
'Cause in the past, let's say you're in a situation like this,
someone doesn't call or write you back, you get over it with time, right?
Out of sight, out of mind.
The problem now is,
we don't give ourselves the luxury of out of sight, out of mind.
'Cause what happens now when you get into one of these situations?
We all become detectives. We start opening up tabs:
Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.
"All right, let's see every single thing this motherfucker's doing
instead of texting me back.
GPS on screen two!
Instagram on screen three!
Let's see what they're looking at right now!"
[audience laughing]
And it's a brutal thing to do to yourself.
You should not do it
because, ah, you're in the most vulnerable position, right?
You put yourself out there. You're like...
♪ I like you, baby You like me ♪
[vocalizing]
Any guy or girl in that situation, that's what they're feeling.
And you're just waiting for something to put your heart at ease,
but instead, you're getting nothing.
Then you go on the Internet, you're reading stuff like,
"Mmm, eating ice cream and watching Dexter.
Hash mark, I really need a man."
[imitates explosion] "What? I just asked you out!
You know I follow you!
You know I'm reading this.
What kind of evil is inside of you?"
And it seems like an area
where we could all be a little bit more thoughtful, right?
Uh, 'cause, look, anytime someone asks you out,
whether it's a guy asking a girl or girl asking a guy, whatever the scenario,
that person is paying you a huge compliment, right?
They're basically saying,
"Hey, out of the infinite number of things I could do with my time,
what I'd like to do is spend some time with you,
'cause I think there's something special about you,
and I'd like to get to know you better and see if there's a connection there."
That's a very nice thing for someone to say,
I feel like you should respect that a little bit.
So, maybe don't post your dumb photos and stuff up.
Like, you wouldn't treat people that way 20, 30 years ago.
Twenty, 30 years ago, if someone asked you out
and you weren't interested,
you wouldn't send a package to their house,
"Here's some photos of me and my friends at the beach.
Here's a photo of a puppy I saw on the street.
Here's a bunch of photos of me and some other guy.
Am I fucking him?
Maybe. Why don't you think about that for a few hours?"
So, that's it, man.
Anyone here that's single,
they have some version of that nonsense in their phone, right?
Clap if you're single and you met someone in the past few days,
past week or so, and you've been texting back and forth.
Clap if that's your situation. Clap right now.
- [scattered applause] - Okay...
If you're in that situation, do me a favor right now.
Pull out your phone
and scroll to the very, very first message that you have with this person.
And when you get to the very, very, very first message,
come on to the front stage over here through this aisle here.
So, go ahead, pull out your phone,
scroll to the very first message, when you get to the first message,
come to the front, right here, in front of this gentleman here.
Miss, you at the top message? Yeah?
All right, so how long ago did you meet this person?
Uh, September 2nd.
[Aziz] September 2nd. Okay, so let's see what happened, okay?
So... he sends the first message.
He sends it Tuesday, September 2nd at 11:26 p.m.
Odd time to send a first message.
[audience laughing]
He says, "Hey, Ashley, dot-dot-dot, it's Chris."
He said his last name,
but I don't wanna repeat it in case he gets murdered.
"Hey, Ashley, dot-dot-dot."
I like that, "dot-dot-dot." "Hey, Ashley..."
Mmm-hmm.
"It's Chris. It was nice to hang-- It was--"
[chuckling] It started so smooth.
"Hey, Ashley, dot-dot-dot, it's Chris."
And then he goes, [nasal voice] "It was nice to hanging with you..."
Chris, no! Proofread!
"It was nice to--" His voice changes for the rest of the bit now, after that.
Earlier, it was, [husky voice] "Hey, Ashley, it's Chris."
Now it's, [nasal voice] "Hey, Ashley, it's Chris.
It was nice to hanging with you at BM.
Hope you're recovering well. Let's grab a coffee sometime."
And then, you send a text back the next day
at 1:05 p.m. You say,
"Hey, exclamation.
Glad you made it out alive. Headed to Soho House with Erica now.
I'm also around after 6:00 tomorrow or in the afternoon Friday."
Whoa! You must really like this guy!
[laughing] Who the fuck...
Who the fuck opens up their schedule that much?
[laughing]
If the Dalai Lama was like, "I really wanna get tea with you sometime, Aziz,"
I'd be like, "Uh, let's just check in next week, Dalai Lama."
And so, then he sends a message
Thursday at 11:55 a.m. and he goes,
"I thought I'd see you at Marquee last night."
[chuckling] And then, he tries to send...
Sorry, all these places sound kind of douche-y.
- I'm really sorry. - [audience laughing]
No judgments here, but...
It's not like, "I thought I'd see you at that MoMA exhibit."
It's like, "Why weren't you at the club? There was a foam party!"
[laughing]
And then... you guys text back and forth, you get the coffee.
Did you guys get the coffee?
- Uh, yeah. - And how was the coffee?
- Did you have fun? - It was okay.
[Aziz] Yeah? It was okay?
All right, so let's see where things are right now, okay?
Yesterday, 9:44 p.m.
"So, what did we miss at Marquee last night?"
God damn it, Ashley, go to some better places.
Quit wasting your life in these shitty clubs.
No, no, no, it's fine.
And then he says, "Is that what you're up to tonight?"
And then you say, "I'm on my way to the Aziz show at MSG."
- [audience cheering] - [Aziz laughs]
And he goes, "Oh, okay, dot-dot-dot. Enjoy."
Ashley, I think I speak for everyone here when I say,
"Fuck this guy."
[audience cheering]
[laughing]
Thank you very much for sharing that with us, Ashley.
So, that's it, man.
That's what everyone has to deal with now.
When they meet someone, they have to engage in that kind of stuff.
And I was in that world for a long time.
And it can be fun, but it can get frustrating.
And now I'm in a different world, now I'm in a relationship,
- and the rela-- - [audience clapping]
Don't do that shit. Don't clap.
That is so rude to all the single people here.
I used to do stand-up where I said I was single,
no one ever clapped, no one said shit.
No one was like, "Get it, Aziz! Fuck everybody! Now is your time!"
Both things are very fun.
It's fun being single, it's fun being in a relationship.
They're both fun, all right?
But I'm in the relationship right now and the relationship's going great.
But it's also fairly new, it's about a year and a few months.
I feel like whenever you talk to people in longer relationships,
they're always like, "Oh, my God.
Those first few years are such a magical time.
You have to enjoy that, it's so amazing."
And it's weird being in the magical zone,
and knowing that the magic is gonna change soon.
You know what I mean? Like, right now, things are crazy.
Like, right now, um, you know,
last time I was in New York, there was a bad snowstorm,
and I stepped in this huge puddle of sludge and my foot got soaked.
And the first thing I did was I sent her a text.
I said, "You know how you feel days like today,
when you step in a puddle of sludge and your foot gets soaked?
Every second with you, it feels like the pure opposite of that."
[audience] Aw!
And yes, that's a little cheesy or whatever,
but I'm just sharing that so you know, that's where my heart is, right?
But what's weird is knowing that that text will eventually change, right?
Like, people in long relationships, doesn't that text eventually change?
Doesn't that text eventually become like,
"Fuck! I stepped in some sludge.
[groans] Do we have to get dinner with your friends?
Can you tell them I died in a hovercraft accident?
I never wanna see 'em again.
Why do we always hang out with my friends?
'Cause they're better people!"
But I hope we're able to maintain some version of that love as things go on,
'cause it's an amazing thing.
It's so beautiful to get messages like that.
She sent me a message one time, she said, "You feel like home to me.
Even if we're in a hotel or something, I feel like I'm home, 'cause I'm with you.
And when I wake up and I see your face, I remember that I'm home.
That's one of the reasons I love you so much."
She sent me that when I went away for five minutes to take a shit.
You realize how awesome it is to be shitting
and to read a message like that?
It was like waste was leaving my body and love was coming in.
It was... an amazing feeling.
Did you guys know there's actually two different types of love?
There is, it's true. There's two different types of love.
There's passionate love and companion love.
Passionate love is like the crazy love you feel when you first meet someone
and you're going crazy, you're just like, "Ahh!"
But that eventually calms down into something different
called companion love,
which is not worse, it's just different, less intense.
And, you know, it's kind of a bummer, but I get it.
I understand why we have the two different types of love.
You couldn't just have the crazy love your whole life,
'cause then society wouldn't function, right?
We'd all just be in our homes, just staring at each other like...
[laughing maniacally]
And the streets would just be filled with homeless children eating garbage,
riding large animals. I get it.
So that's why we have two different types of love.
But when I first heard about that, I was like,
"Wouldn't it be interesting to just have the crazy stuff for a while?
What would that be like?"
Maybe, instead of having one long relationship,
you have a bunch of shorter relationships.
Your graph of love and happiness is just like,
boom, boom, boom!
But, you know, I don't think you can do that graph.
I've tried to do that graph, I've seen friends try to do that graph.
And, yes, it can be a lot of fun for a while,
but eventually that graph gets weird.
You know, eventually that graph becomes something like this.
You know, it's like, "Oh, shit! Me and the boys, we're going out tonight.
This bar's gonna be crazy. This bar's gonna be crazy.
Oh, my God, there's so many hot girls here.
Yeah, this one girl is really into me. Yeah, we're going home together.
Yeah, we're having sex.
Yeah, I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming!
I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming! I came!
This feels empty, this feels empty, this feels empty.
I gotta get out of here! I gotta get out of here!
This feels empty, this feels empty, this feels empty.
Okay, okay, okay! I got out of there. I got out of there.
I just got some brunch. I just got some brunch.
I'm drinking some water, I'm drinking some coconut water.
I'm getting hydrated.
That's right, I'm getting hydrated.
I'm ready to run it back! That's right!
Night two, me and the boys, we're going out tonight!
This bar's gonna be crazy. This bar's gonna be crazy.
This bar's gonna be--
Okay, no one's really out tonight. Okay, so, uh...
More of a low-key type situation.
Okay, me and the boys will just get drunk by ourselves. No shame there.
Okay, it's getting little bit weird, uh...
We'll just get some tacos.
Tacos are delicious."
You wake up the next morning,
"Oh, my God! Why did I eat three quesadillas then a bowl of cereal?
That was really unnecessary.
Okay, well...
I'm just gonna go back to bed. I feel like garbage, and uh...
God, you know, this is fun, hooking up with these hot girls or whatever,
but frankly, I wish...
I just had someone I really cared about, that I could hold.
But I don't have that person, so...
I'm just gonna jerk off and go to bed."
[audience applauding]
So now, I'm trying the relationship graph.
But the relationship graph is fucked up too.
Like, if you take the traditional definition of a successful relationship,
and you put it in that graph, that graph is fucked up too.
This is that graph, okay?
You meet the person...
"Oh, my God, all these experiences are amazing!
All these experiences are amazing! All these experiences are amazing!
All these-- Okay.
Some of the experiences are getting repetitive.
But you know what? I love this person so much.
We're getting married! Yeah! We're getting married!
Oh, my God, we have a wedding! All our friends came!
This is so fun! I can't believe it!
I'm a husband. I have a wife. Oh, my God, this is the great--
Oh, my God, we just had a kid! Oh, my God, we just had a kid!
Oh, my God, this is so hard!
Oh, my God, this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Okay, okay, okay!
The kid's walking around and talking and saying stuff. This is amazing.
I've never felt so proud of anything in my entire life.
Oh, my God, we just had another kid! Oh, my God, we just had another kid!
Why did we stop using the birth control? That was so stupid!
And why did we think it would be easier the second time around?
This is not analogous at all!
There is now two goddamn people at the same goddamn time!
It's so much harder!
We gotta-- Oh, my God, we gotta pay for all the stuff!
How does anyone afford children?
We gotta get them into a good kindergarten.
What the fuck's a good kindergarten? They just sing songs!
Who is fucking that up?
Okay, okay, okay, okay, we got them into the good kindergarten.
We got them into the good kindergarten. We got them in.
Now they're in elementary school.
They're drawing pictures and stuff, this is pretty cool.
Okay, now they're in adolescence.
Oh, these kids are fucking pricks! I fucking hate these kids!
I want them to die! I want them to die!
I want my whole family to die!
I don't really want them to die.
I just wanna feel what it would feel like
to murder every single person I live with.
Okay, I can't do that. I can't do that.
Okay, now they're in high school. They're in high school now.
This is good, they're in high school, a little bit older.
I can hang out with them. Oh, God.
One of the kids might be having sex. Yeah, he might be doing drugs.
I gotta put spyware on his phone to make sure he's not messing around.
This is my life now.
I gotta read this mess whenever I get home from work.
'Hey, what's going on?' 'Nothing.
You wanna come hang out later?' 'Maybe.' 'All right.' 'Well--'
Will you fucking buy some weed already so I can justify this use of my time?
Okay, okay! One of the kids is going to college.
He's gone, he's gone. Oh, shit, the other kid's gone.
They're both gone. It's just us in the house together again.
We're spending time together again.
We've refound our passionate love!
Finally, we can travel the world!
I'm too tired to travel the world.
Let's just take it easy. Let's just take it easy.
Let's just take it easy in the house. It's fine.
We got the house to ourselves. This is good.
You know, it's okay. It's kind of boring, but it's good.
We don't have to work and stuff. It's okay.
It's fine, the kids come to visit every now and then, it's okay.
Okay. Oh, God. Oh, God, my wife is sick.
Oh, no, my wife's sick. Oh, no, my wife just passed.
Oh, God, I'm all by myself. I'm so alone.
Oh, God, I'm sick now too. I'm sick now too.
I can't even walk. I can't even walk.
I've walked my entire life, and now I can't even walk.
But now I get to get one of those Rascal scooters!
I'm gonna drive that motherfucker everywhere!"
New York, thank you so much!
[audience cheering]
Thank you again for coming out, I really do appreciate it.
Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you.
You guys can sit down. Thank you so much.
Um, serious question here.
Has anyone here ever seen a ghost?
I love ghost stories.
Someone once told me and my girlfriend this really scary ghost story
about a little boy.
And it was so scary, and she gets really scared of ghosts.
So, I started doing this thing where every now and then we're asleep,
I'll just wake her up in the middle of the night and I'll just be like,
"Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, boo...
what's that little boy doing over there?"
And she hates it!
And I love it!
And I do it all the time.
What I'd really like to do, though, one day, is...
And this is like something...
I don't know if it might be too messed up to do, but, um...
She's, like, the nicest, sweetest person.
Anytime I need a drink in the middle of the night,
she's always like, "Oh, I'll go down and get it."
I'm always like, "No, no, it's fine. I'll get it."
But what if, one night, I was like, "Yeah, can you go down and get it?"
And then she goes downstairs, and there, unbeknownst to her...
I've hired a little boy.
[audience laughing]
And he's wearing, like, old-timey clothes.
And as soon as she gets downstairs, he's just like,
"Mommy, where have you been?"
[grunts] I wanna do it so bad!
But I can't.
I've thought it through, there's three reasons why I can't do it.
One, I would never wanna scare anyone that bad, right?
That's a terrifying thing.
Two, if I did pull it off,
I'd live in eternal fear
over what the fuck she was gonna do to get back at me.
'Cause I'm pretty sure she's not gonna let that one slide.
And three, this is probably the biggest reason not to do it,
she would murder the little boy.
Like, the little boy's dead.
So, I don't think I can do it.
I'm a good boyfriend, though.
She's never really been upset with me about anything, that I can think of.
The only time I remember she was kind of mad was once,
when I was flying from New York to New Zealand.
I was gonna be gone for a while to go to a wedding.
I was calling her when I was on the plane to talk to her before we took off,
and I got her voicemail, so I texted her. I was, like, "Hey, it's me.
Just wanted to talk before the flight took off."
And she texts me back and says, "I called you four hours ago."
And I could tell she was upset,
'cause she also included
the emoji of the Indian guy with the gun beside his head.
This tipped me off.
So I called her back and I was like, "What's up with that?
Why you gotta say that? What did I do?"
She's like, "I called you four hours ago."
I was like, "I know. I was busy packing and everything.
I knew I'd have time to call you when I got on the plane.
That's why I waited."
She's like, "Oh, you were busy? You were busy.
Well, I looked on your friend's Instagram
and he posted a photo of you
hanging out by the pool, snapping Polaroids.
So, I feel like, if you have time to hang out by the pool
and play with your Polaroid camera, I think you have time to call me back."
And I was like, "Okay, I'm sorry."
Cut to a week later.
It's Valentine's Day, I've done all this romantic stuff,
and it's time for us to exchange gifts.
I have her gift, it's all wrapped up, and I'm just like, uh...
"So, hey, remember, like, a week ago, you were upset that...
I didn't call you back and I was hanging out by the pool,
playing with a Polaroid camera?
Well, the reason I was doing that is,
I bought you this nice vintage Polaroid camera
and I just wanted to make sure it worked before I gave it to you.
So, here's your gift."
Fuck you!
And she felt horrible,
which is the greatest Valentine's Day gift I've ever received.
New York, thank you again!
[audience cheering]
This was awesome.
Thank you guys again so much for coming out.
- [French pop music playing] - Thank you very, very much.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. This was fucking awesome. Thanks.
Good night.
These are my parents.
[audience cheering]
Thank you again. Good night.